A Letter

Love,

I wish I could write this by hand and deliver it in person. Ironic with its neat and tidy folds only to be opened to illegible handwriting. But until I can once again embrace your physical being this will have to do. I wanted to write and attempt to express my level of thankfulness I have for you. Last night I panicked. And you calmed me down. You reminded me of God's love, of who He is, and how He is all we need. You need. I need. You may not have realized my lack of words that followed. All I could think of was how amazing you are. And that here I am, this girl who has been praying and praying for years now to find someone to truly grow in Christ with, is now sitting in front of this boy, this Godly man, sharing my fears, my doubts, my love, and simply my heart, and he is taking it all in while reminding me of who God is and who we are suppose to be in Him. And he is giving me hope in life, something I have lacked for quite some time, simply by being with and in his Father. It brings tears to my eyes every night to be able to pray for you and thank God for bringing you into my life. To cry in happiness brings an overwhelming joy I cannot even begin to express in words. Every day our Father uses you to teach me, to challenge me. And that...is all I could ever ask for. I love you.

                                                                                                             ~Me

Lion

Today I had the pleasure of lunching with a dear mentor and lady friend of mine. Can I just say she is such an incredible inspiration! I admire her willingness to meet with others and really get to know their hearts and what their lives hold. It is something I have always felt called towards and to have the opportunity to learn from someone as lovely as her is such an honor. Through our conversing she really reminded me of how strong the devil is without us even realizing it sometimes. The past few weeks I have been in some what of a slump. Almost like I'm stuck and not moving forward...with anything. One thing I've learned about myself is I cannot stand being stagnant for long periods of time...or even short periods of time. I always want to be moving forward, learning something knew, meeting new people, whatever it is, just something. But once I hit this "stagnant stage" it feels almost impossible to get out of and the devil attacks in the most deceiving ways. When stagnant I feel as if I will never accomplish anything. As if I am no longer needed. As if God is no longer there. During my talk with my friend she really reminded me that God is always constant, always there even when it feels like He isn't moving us. And that maybe I'm not really stagnant at all, He is just wanting me to be where He wants me to be...wholeheartedly. Even if it feels like life is standing still, He is always going to use me as long as my mind is focused on just being here in this moment to glorify Him.

I forget this quite often. It is crazy to see how sneaky and mischievous the devil really is. That he can just take my notice of stillness and make me believe that I am unaccomplished or unfulfilled. When my friend and I were discussing all of this I shared with her a song I forgotten I had written until then. I wrote it only earlier this year about this exact thing. How even though God is with us always, the devil is still there too, just waiting to pounce like a lion. I based the song off of 1 Peter 5:8: "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." I only hope and pray I will always remember my God is constant and will always be using me.

The song:

"Lion"

You have been waiting for me out on the shore
To keep me ever drowning here in this storm
And I see who you are
Yes I see who you are

This ocean swells in my lungs, a burning defeat
You said to embrace what you call love, but its bittersweet
Now I see who you are
Yes I see who you are

Now I know, you're wrong
And I know the weak shall be strong
Cause I now believe
That my Savior has come, and He's here, and He's rescued me

You left me bleeding ashes, face in the dust
Stripped me of my innocence, but you called it trust
Now I see who you are
Yes I see who you are

Now I know, you're wrong

And I know the weak shall be strong

Cause I now believe

That my Savior has come, and He's here, and He's rescued me

New Beginnings

As some of you may know, I've been trying to start a blog for some time now. Well, I guess you could say I "start" a blog but can never quite continue it. Mostly because I feel like my life is always changing. I start a blog relating to current life experiences and then things change, life changes, movement occurs, and all at once my current "state" (I guess you could say) transitions elsewhere. But looking back one particular thing has always remained the same...that I'm always in a constant state of "waiting". Where will God take me next? Who will I end up spending the rest of my life with? Should I go back to school? Questions that constantly keep me relying and waiting on my Father. For His provision and guidance. For Him to tell me when the next move will be, where, and possibly with who. 

I'm beginning to accept my full transition into "adulthood". For the past year I've found myself caught straddling the fence. Not quite fitting in with the college scene anymore but still not old enough for the adult singles. Then I realized I did not want to accept that I am now on my own. Maybe because it makes me feel older? More "mature"? (Though trust me, I am still and always will be a kid at heart) Or maybe because I'm creeping up on 24 and still single with no light of even dating anyone any time soon. I think there has been several things hindering my full acceptance of growing up, but it changes here. 

This blog is it. The final one. I hope to write (though I cannot make any promises that it will be often) about what God is teaching me and where He is moving me. A forever favorite of mine, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8,11 reads:

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace...He has made everything beautiful in its time." 

So now it's time to wait and see.